The Deep Dive – Pondering my psyche and those around me.

Hi all, I haven’t written for some time, I’ve tried many times to think about how to articulate the way I’m feeling and come up short. So after working on it for a while, I’m ready to try now.

Problem is, we are all different. We have different drivers and motivators, different goals. I don’t want to be the friend that disagrees, but sometimes I just can’t help myself and I find it hard to support mates unconditionally, maybe that makes me a worse friend, or maybe calling out and hitting home truths makes me a better friend. Only you can make that call.

Over the last 12 months I’ve discovered that a number of friends, and I’m not talking 1 or 2, I’m talking 6 to 8, have been or are in dark places emotionally. It’s made me wonder what I can do, and also reflect on what makes me different, am I immune to it?

ON ME

So I reflect. I don’t think I bottom out so much when things go bad, I have a way of turning off and focusing on positives, completely ignoring negatives and not even dealing with them. Trust me, they exist. It can depress me to deal and think about negatives so I shut it out. Don’t know if this is healthy, but I’m not saying I bottle it up, but I sleep well enough at night, so I suppose it works. I block out the noise and I focus on the now. It works for me, makes me stronger. I think.

Short term goals I find stressful – I like long terms goals and plans.

ON OTHERS

So I worry about others, I worry about their decisions, and I probably over step the line and don’t support them as much when I disagree with the path they take. I am a pretty conservative person, and I struggle to comprehend the impulsive decisions of risk takers. I see the potential hazards and I see the potential fall and I want to provide a nice soft feathery pillow for them to fall on. Am I a bad friend for not wanting to push them all the way up the cliff face? Maybe. I’m still learning about that part of me. Sometimes picking up the pieces of a shattered soul after they crash can be hard, very hard. It can be incredibly draining. So I now believe that what I am doing when I am not unconditionally supporting friends that are taking a big risk, is I am actually protecting myself from their fall should it happen. So maybe I’m being a little selfish. I do only want success for my friends, but what happens if it doesn’t come?

You probably know who you are out there, there are a few of you that I owe a quasi-apology to. I see strong positive happy people often taking what I see as huge risks, jumping in the deep end before anyone is sure about just how deep the water really is, and it just scares the shit out of me. I see the emotional roller coaster, I see them buy their ticket, I see them wait in line, I see them get on board. I see them get off it too. So if it’s you that does this, I’m sorry. Sometimes I can’t bring myself to me that cool mate that says “mate you’ll smash it!” every time you probably need to hear it. I’m probably the one that says “geez, are you sure you are ready for this??”, which feeds into your already existing self doubts, so for that I’m sorry. But I promise to still be there when you step off the ride.

Maybe it’s like eating fruit. If you are over hungry and eat it too early, it is not likely to be ripe, and although it will fill you up, it may not be as satisfying as if you had waited until the fruit was ready for picking. Until you know it is ready to be devoured.

LOOKING FORWARD

I am looking forward very much to 2015 and what it might hold. I’ve lost heaps of weight, I want to drop another 5 kg’s and get down to 80kgs, that will be my playing weight I think. Will help me go longer that’s for sure.

I look forward to running with all the happy trail running people I’ve met, mate ship that is strong and supportive. The Lysterfield Trail Runners has been life altering. And Two Bays offers a great start to the year, I’ve never run further than a half marathon in an event, and never further than 32.6km (which is my longest run). I’m ready but this 28km race will no doubt test me and show me where I’m at.

Then I want to explode at Roller Coaster Run 2015, I want to absolutely blow the 2014 demons out of the water. I am proud of last years effort as my first ever half marathon in a touch under 3 hours, but how far have I come?? I can’t wait to find out. The mountain crushed me last year, I will return in March and give it everything.

The longer term goal of Surf Coast Century in September still looms, I have 5 months to prove to myself I’m ready to launch into the stratosphere of ultra marathons.

BALANCE

It’s one thing I think I have a good grasp of, balance. I believe that my body aligns with my emotions and mentality, if my body isn’t ready neither is my mind. I think I have a good balance there.

There is a saying the body will do what the mind tells it to, but if you keep telling your body to do too much, eventually it will break down. I’m determined for that not to happen.

And so I build slowly and surely, and I could NOT DO IT without the support of my trail mates.

I hope I can offer them in 2015 and beyond the kind of support they offer me.

Thinking sincerely, hope this blog explains my psyche a little better… and helps me become a better friend.

LTR group Pic

CJ

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